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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/28645437">The Uses of Excalibur</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/tsushikichi/pseuds/tsushikichi'>tsushikichi</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Merlin (TV)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Comedy, Domestic Fluff, Fluff and Humor, M/M, chaotic boyfriends, idiots being idiots</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2021-01-09</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-01-09</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-13 13:08:07</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>2,323</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/28645437</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/tsushikichi/pseuds/tsushikichi</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Merlin and Arthur go on a hike and stumble upon a sight straight out of an Arthurian tale. Based on a "Sword" prompt.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Merlin/Arthur Pendragon (Merlin)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>4</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>45</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Collections:</b></td><td>The Melee Challenge</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>The Uses of Excalibur</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>“C’mon Merlin, it’s not that bad. Don’t be such a girl.” Arthur playfully pushed Merlin and laughed at his ridiculously whiny yet adorable boyfriend. </p>
<p>“Arthur, we’ve been walking for hours! I’m sorry I’m not built like you and your rugby mates, I’m pretty sure I make up elsewhere but you have got to bear with me!” Merlin whined as per usual, crossing his arms and stomping annoyingly at the cold, dewy grass. “I mean, you ended up with me scrawny and all because I am quite much more interesting than everyone else and even your arrogant ass can bear with the fact that I’m smarter than you, so while you may love going on hikes, without me you probably would get lost and die in these woods.” </p>
<p>Arthur stopped to watch Merlin ranting, and lovingly smiled, waiting for his over dramatic painter to notice that he is going off on his own. To Arthur’s despair, Merlin noticed and topped his rant off saying “and if you think I didn’t notice you intended to leave me off walking on my own, I did notice, so now come here and kiss me before I leave you to perish in these woods!” </p>
<p>“You know you love me too much to leave me to die here, besides, you wouldn’t make it out of here either because you’d be too tired.” Arthur walked up to Merlin with a winning smirk, as Merlin turned to face him, ears, cheeks and nose as red as blooming roses. About to protest, Arthur cuts Merlin off “And before you open up your mouth, yes, I’d probably get lost if you weren’t here with me, and you look adorable all annoyed and pouty, so really I see no reason why going on a hike is a bad idea.”</p>
<p>Merlin rolls his eyes and scoffs, trying to be angry at Arthur, who proceeds to go onto hug Merlin and plant a kiss on his forehead. </p>
<p>“Happy now?” Arthur says, looking at Merlin, who’s furrowed brows loosened up to the loving gesture. </p>
<p>“Hm… maybe,” Merlin now looks back at Arthur and grins, tenderly placing his hands on Arthur’s neck and giving him a quick peck. “Now I’m happy.” </p>
<p>Arthur smiles but stops shortly afterwards, as a peculiar sight caught his eye. Arthur slightly turns his head, and blinks twice in disbelief. </p>
<p>“Please tell me I’m not the only one seeing this?” Merlin asked carefully, afraid he might had just lost his mind.</p>
<p>“Thank god you see this too. What in the actual hell, it's a sword in a stone. I can’t believe this!” Arthur laughed, bemused. </p>
<p>“If you didn’t look as confused and surprised as I probably look, I would say this is a set up by you. This is too much of a coincidence, I can already hear Gwaine mocking us and talking about how conveniently Arthur and Merlin stumbled across a sword in a stone whilst on a morning hike!” Merlin put his hands on his head, trying his best not to laugh about the situation they were in. </p>
<p>“I swear to god, I didn’t have anything to do with this Merls, it was funny how we are named after the king and the sorcerer, but that’s simply our parent’s name picking. This is insane though.” Arthur went on the defensive, preventing his boyfriend from meddling further into the idea that this was set up. </p>
<p>“I know, I know. Then again this is too odd. A sword in a stone? Maybe this is meant to be a fun monument put here for hikers so have fun with? Or maybe this is a tourist route? To be honest I don’t want to think too much of this.” Merlin, a few sentences shy from a monologue, cut it short when he saw Arthur approaching the stoned sword. </p>
<p>“What are you planning Arthur Pendragon, or should I say your majesty? Don’t tell me you’re going to try and pull the sword?” Merlin mocked, now walking towards the sword too. </p>
<p>“Well, no, I was going to check if the sword is real, but from experience you know just how good I’m at pulling other things.” Arthur winked at Merlin, who turned beet red. </p>
<p>“Shut up, you idiot. Be careful not to hurt yourself; I know how to paint, not how to embroider, and even if I knew how to that does not mean I know how to suture,” Merlin warned, hiding how flustered Arthur’s last comment made him. </p>
<p>“You may want to take a picture before I pull this sword out of here, it may never come back inside the stone.” Arthur said arrogantly, playing along with the idea of being able to pull out the sword.</p>
<p>“I bet your arse I can pull this damn thing out. You name it.” Merlin, easily taunted by Arthur went on and walked behind the sword, getting ready to pull it out of its rocky home. Arthur, in the meantime, was taking pictures with the portable camera he had gotten early on in their relationship, while admiring the beauty of his struggling boyfriend. </p>
<p>After a minute, Merlin gave up. </p>
<p>“You know what, that sword doesn’t even look real. Maybe its just a monument or whatever, I was just trying to mess with you. Whatever.” Scoffing, once again, Merlin looked away and stomped his way back to where Arthur was standing. Arthur handed him the camera and walked off to the sword. </p>
<p>“This is how the pros do it, Merlin” Arthur, cocky and proud, proceed to then hold onto the handle of the sword, and then start pulling it out. Putting in great force, to both Merlin’s and his own surprise, the sword slid out as if it had oil on it, and Arthur stumbled back and dropped the sword. </p>
<p>Merlin, flabbergasted, forgot to take the pictures Arthur wanted; he just stood there in complete shock even as Arthur lay on the ground, wincing in pain due to his rough landing. </p>
<p>“Oi! Aren’t you even going to come and help me?” Arthur groaned, standing up from the ground. </p>
<p>Merlin snapped out of it and rushed over to Arthur, worried. </p>
<p>“You didn’t get hurt right? Are you okay? I’m sorry but I was just too shocked at what just happened. Holy fuck.” Merlin helped Arthur up while eyeing the sword which laid but a few meters from them. </p>
<p>“You’re not the only one but, ouch. You could’ve come and help me instead of standing there frozen like an idiot while your very charming boyfriend could be possibly hurt.” Arthur complained, getting up from the ground and dusting himself off. </p>
<p>“I’m sorry! It’s not every day your charming boyfriend who casually is named after king Arthur pulls out a sword from a stone like its nothing and we’re living in a fantasy world! Also, you didn’t even get hurt, you just love me taking care of you.” Merlin said matter of factly, and fondly held the side of Arthur’s face with his hand, reassuring him. </p>
<p>“You do have a point, I’m not specifying what point, but yes.” Arthur smiled at Merlin but then sobered up, “The real question is what do we do about the sword now?” </p>
<p>Merlin, who always had an answer to everything, was at loss for words. </p>
<p>“I really don’t know, I guess we just keep it?” Merlin offered, unsure. </p>
<p>“I guess we could. What else are we going to do, I bet it won’t go back into the stone.” Arthur shrugged, scratching the back of his head. </p>
<p>The two of them looked at the sword, and Merlin was the first to pick it up. </p>
<p>“I mean, it is pretty swordy.” He mutters, looking back at Arthur. “Also quite heavy.”</p>
<p>“What are we even going to do with this? Use it as decoration?” Arthur suggested ironically. </p>
<p>“You know, maybe this has more uses than we give it credit for.” Merlin said with a hint of mischief in his voice. </p>
<p>+++ </p>
<p>After successfully sneaking out a sword out of the woods, Merlin and Arthur got to their flat safe and sound. Here is where the real danger begins. </p>
<p>“I can’t believe that we weren’t seen at all! Even with you being a clumsy oaf!” Arthur exclaimed, surprised.</p>
<p>“Careful, you could die by being stabbed in the heart, who knows, maybe that’s how you died in your past life.” Merlin said in a disturbingly calm tone, sending slight chills down Arthur’s spine. </p>
<p>“Well, you’ll find that there is nothing in the place of my heart, as I have given it to you already, my love. So stab me if you may, die I will not.” Arthur played the romantic card, and went on one knee, dramatically opening his arms as to let Merlin stab him. </p>
<p>“I forget you can be such a sap, and yes, we know you simp for me.” Merlin rolled his eyes and walked past Arthur, giving him a pat on his shoulder when he did. </p>
<p>“Where are you going? Looking for something?” Arthur asked, curious as to what Merlin had in mind. </p>
<p>“Well of course I’m getting something! Today’s lunch will be roasted chicken, with the help of our new tool.” Merlin smiled, showing the chicken, and then went off to grab everything else he needed. </p>
<p>“You can’t be serious! Is this your supposed brilliant plan?” Arthur stood up and went after Merlin, as to get his attention. </p>
<p>“What else did you think? Don’t tell me you’re so daft that you couldn’t think of a single use for a sword besides barbaric sword fighting.” Merlin deadpanned, while he was carefully cleaning the sword in the kitchen sink. “Now, go fetch the chicken, I need you to hold it for me so I can stab it and get to the roasting.” </p>
<p>Arthur just followed Merlin’s command, too lazy to find a good comeback for Merlin’s unforgiving sass. </p>
<p>“Ok, try not to stab me, I’m surprised how you haven’t sliced through any of our furniture, being as clumsy as you are.” Arthur sighed, slightly worried for his well being. He held the chicken to the side, making sure Merlin wouldn’t deal him a mortal blow and have an Arthur kebab. </p>
<p>“I’m not clumsy at all, in fact, my senses are perfectly calibrated, I’ve got perfect balance too.” Merlin was gleaming in pride, and as he went to pick up the sword again, he almost let it slip from his hands. </p>
<p>“Perfect balance, you say?” Arthur asked sarcastically, teasingly. </p>
<p>“Shut up, now, in the count of three, I’ll slay the beast. On your count, my lord.” Merlin said playfully, excited for his soon-to-be-roasted chicken. </p>
<p>“Alright, in the count of one, two,” Arthur counted and stopped to take a quick glance at Merlin, making sure that he is aiming properly. “Three.” </p>
<p>For the first time in weeks, Merlin had perfect aim and stabbed right through the center of the chicken. </p>
<p>“See! I didn’t stab you, my dear!” Merlin exclaimed, dumbly happy over his success at chicken stabbing. Arthur sighed in relief. </p>
<p>“Thank god you didn’t. Good job, Merls.” Arthur carefully held the chicken so that Merlin wouldn’t topple over and cause a tragedy in their humble kitchen. </p>
<p>“Now, let's get this cooking!” Merlin said cheerfully, and both of them went on to cook their lunch. </p>
<p>+++ </p>
<p>After a surprisingly tasty roasted sword chicken, Arthur and Merlin started thinking of uses for the sword. Over time, they did quite a lot of things with it.</p>
<p>Arthur stabbed into the wall and put up Merlin’s ironed shirts, the sword being a perfect ironing hanger. </p>
<p>Merlin tried to cut through several pieces of canvas, as to make his life easier and not have to cut each piece individually (At the end he ended up needing Arthur’s assistance.) </p>
<p>One day when Merlin was out running errands, Arthur tried chopping fruits with the sword; quite the therapeutic experience for him, though it did get him a scolding for getting the walls dirty. </p>
<p>Merlin once tried using it for an art piece, but the sword was too heavy and Merlin almost ended up slicing a few fingers off, and by the time he admitted that he couldn’t use the sword, he had a bunch of random cuts from moving the sword around. </p>
<p>At one point, the two of them tried to use the sword as a catapult, using stacks of Merlin’s old artwork for height and soft erasers as projectiles, making a competition of who could get the greatest trajectory at shooting. Merlin wasn’t happy at Arthur’s victory and after bickering enough, Arthur let his pride aside just because he got to see a very pouty Merlin. </p>
<p>Merlin, in a second attempt of making art with the sword, with the help of Arthur who kindly held down the paper for him, made some emboss prints, which then they framed and hung up to cover the hole Arthur had made in the wall. They also put up a small display below so they could rest assured the sword wouldn’t randomly be laying around the house if Arthur’s teammates came over. </p>
<p>For a while, they had forgotten about the sword, until one morning, Arthur woke a very sleepy Merlin up. </p>
<p>“We should go on another hike, c’mon Merls.” Arthur asked softly, kissing Merlin on the forehead and gently caressing his hair. </p>
<p>“Hell no, we’ve already got one sword,” Merlin whined, propping himself up in bed, “You could go find us some chicken and we can roast it again, that you can do. But we never are going hiking again, you royal arse.” </p>
<p>“Alright, but let me cuddle you for a bit longer, you’re extra adorable when you’re sleepy.” Arthur pulled Merlin into his arms, happy as ever. </p>
<p>“You know I love you, right?” Merlin mumbled before falling back to sleep, looking up at Arthur with loving eyes. </p>
<p>“I know you do, even if you whine and bicker a lot. I love you too.” Arthur told Merlin, and both fell into peaceful slumber.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>First post for the Melee, feel free to write down any more uses for a sword in current times. Thanks for reading!</p></blockquote></div></div>
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